Truth be told, its a very organic lifestyle for us right now. I am on maternity leave for one year, and San was hit by a car 2 years ago, so in rehabilitation and not working. There is little routine to our days. Sometimes we go for a long walk. Sometimes we take Mayana swimming, and tag team for turns to have our own swim time. Sometimes I garden and San watches Mayana; other days he goes to a concert and I take her for the night.
This is wonderful, and yet, just as much a challenge.
I find myself asking the questions: "Should we have more rhythm to our days?"and "When do I get to catch up with ALL the things I want or need to get done?!"
I am someone who usually had more than one job on the go, and loved to go for runs, or at least 3 swims a week. I woke up at around the same time every day and had my schedule all written into my daybook each week. Suddenly I find myself waking up at different times each day (and during the night!), or starting to go for a run, only to have Mayana burst into tears, or have something burst out of her diaper(!), and that's the end of that. And I don't even know what day of the week it is these days!
Attachment Parenting is a term that has been getting more chapter space in baby-care books lately. Martha and Barry Sears, in the well-renowned baby "bible" The Baby Book, describe Attachment Parenting as a way of responding to a baby's needs based on THEIR rhythm. They recommend wearing your baby often, co-sleeping, being very alert and responding immediately to baby's needs, and allowing your schedule to be guided by baby's schedule. They suggest that what results is a "flow between mother and baby", where there is mutual sensitivity and trust. It can improve behaviour, development, intelligence and intimacy where the children are able to "focus on awareness, not just meeting needs" and are more inclined to "bond to people and not to things."
I think this makes a lot of sense, but there is an important piece to this puzzle. WE as the parents need to be willing to do this. We, as a team, have to commit to this attachment. Yes, a flow between mother and baby, but ALSO a flow between father and baby. Its not Attachment Mothering, its Attachment Parenting. After the third time of trying to garden while my baby sobbed in my partner's arms, it dawned on me that my baby needed some help in attaching to Papa. I knew deep down she would have a great time, because she laughs her head off when he makes funny faces at her in the mornings, but she was stuck. Papa didn't have "Boobie" as we call it, end of story. How do you laugh when you worry milk is not nearby? And nurturing takes practice. Most of us women have been coddling dolls, and then other people's babies since we could remember. How many men do you see snuggling a doll and saying "I can't wait until I have one of these"?! To be honest, I hope it becomes more that do in the future. But for now, I realize I have to take the time to mother two people...Mayana in her development into a child, and Papa in his development as a father. Help show him what cries mean what needs for Mayana. Spend some time close to her when he is with her, so she can relax knowing milk is nearby. Express my milk and give him a bottle. Yes, ironically, I have to stop being such a mother...he knows what to do. I need to practice nurturing their relationship. And we both need to practice a new rhythm; where this new blissful life guides and teaches us how to be evermore present, evermore loving, and ever so patient with those around us we love.
So from both of us, here is a perfect Sufi poem, by the ever eloquent Rumi:
You that come to birth
And bring the mysteries
Your voice-thunder makes us very happy
Roar, Lion of the Heart, and Tear me open
