From the Urban Mommy

I guess this is my cue to say what it is that makes me an urban mommy. Most of it, you already know. I live with my husband in a three bedroom, 85 square meter apartment in downtown Barcelona. Adam was born at a clinic, ten minutes away, and I had an epidural, just in time for the “expulsion” (as they so delicately put it here). I breastfed Adam exclusively until he was six months old, and I had to return to work, but I also expressed milk and had my husband feed the baby sometimes, to give me a break. Working full-time, I believe in outsourcing as much as possible, so that my time at home is full on and quality. My husband and I own one car between us, which he uses to commute (I bike to work), but which at weekends stays parked most of time as pretty much everything we need is within a decent walking distance – one of the great advantages of an urban lifestyle. Like Amy, we make Adam’s food fresh (he also likes yams!). The ingredients aren’t organic, though, but the veggies are seasonal and locally grown, purchased at the market located right in front of our building.
But… I think that for all our differences, Amy and I have an awful lot of things in common, too. I bet there are times Amy can’t stop staring at her baby, still surprised after so many months that this incredible little creature is actually hers. Amy probably also thinks that there just aren’t enough hours in the day, and that an extra hand or two wouldn’t go amiss! Although our chests may puff with pride whenever someone comments on beautiful are our babies, what really fills our hearts is when someone remarks on how happy they are. I suspect that Amy, too, sometimes looks back with nostalgia to those simpler times when we didn’t have quite so much responsibility, but yet, neither of us would change a thing about what we have today. And finally, however different Amy and I are choosing to raise our children, however different our dreams may be, in the end, what we both really want, is for them to grow up to be happy, healthy, kind and tolerant.

What makes me a "Mama Earth"...

Okay, so I promised Europe tales...but I'm tired, and need to do something easy. Hippy-style...I've just burned some sage to clear the house of germs, I'm sipping organic wine, and eating local freshly picked corn straight off the cob. So I figure its about time to give some insight into why I'm the Mama Earth between me and Deirdre...
And in wine-induced, relaxed end-of-the-day style...I'm doing it in point form!

*I leave Mayana bare-bummed often to let her get sun on her behind, and let the grass catch "anything" she decides to do!

*I have taken Mayana to a Saltspring dance with world music and a sacred chanting circle at the end...and she whirled around happily in her carrier with me all night

*I co-sleep with Mayana, and wear her while shopping...even walking and nursing at the same time sometimes!

*I visit my friends who live on a float home and use solar power, and went skinny dipping off their dock

*I use cloth diapers, and when I need to use disposable...I use the compostable kind...yes, they exist!

*I burn incense to clear the air of diaper smells

*I take Mayana to my djembe drumming class...and give her a shaker to keep the beat

*I make Raw Cacao Walnut Carrot Cake, and feed Mayana other interesting things like pureed organic yams, curried tofu, and homemade granola bars. I chew her food sometimes as a way to soften it before she eats it...and we sometimes eat fresh parsley or calendula right from the garden

*On sunny days, I'll often hang out with my other Mama friends and our babies, and we usually go topless and discuss things like our connection to our "yonis" (goddess term for vaginas)

*I write poetry about Mayana and her birth

*My partner and I have been to an astrologer to learn more about Mayana's signs surrounding her birthdate

Gotta go, I'm having a craving for Oreo cookies. Even Earth Mamas have their vices. ;)

Finding the time...

Sometimes I wish I had a nanny! Unlike Deirdre, I am home often with my daughter, however the guilt still occurs for me. The guilt of always being behind somewhere- whether its calling my mom, being on time to meet with a friend, writing this blog!, or even playing with Mayana. Yes, even though we spend most days together, sometimes I am so busy with shopping for groceries, writing a belated email, or getting to the ferry on time, that Mayana has to patiently (and sometimes not-so-patiently!) just stick with me in the hullabaloo.

I have just moved to a new home. My partner and I have decided to live separately, although we are still together working on things. I don't think this is actually that strange...I know many couples find it hard in the first year of having a new baby. And in our case, we had only been together 3 months before getting pregnant, so we're still getting to know each other, and how we work! So space seems to be a positive thing for us to stay harmonious, and we both agree this is best for Mayana- to have parents who like each other!

So I have moved to a large home since I have agreed to be housemother to a 15 year old international student from Germany and my 17 year old cousin who wants to try school on Saltspring island. There is lots of strange music in the house, and I am learning how to make food for big eaters, but Mayana seems to love the young energy in the house, and I am excited at positive changes in everyone's lives.

Off I go as apparently I am behind to head into town, and Mayana stirs downstairs- ack!

Next installment, TRAVELLING IN EUROPE...that is my excuse for not writing this summer...we were too busy with East Indian weddings, Portuguese camping trips, and swimming in the Scottish seas...stories coming very soon!! When I get the time =)

A Worthy Read

I belong to a google group of English speaking parents living in Barcelona and during a fiesty exchange of e-mails regarding the daycare system here, someone sent this out:

http://www.unicef.ca/portal/Secure/Community/502/WCM/HELP/take_action/Advocacy/rc8.pdf

It's a very interesting read and is definitely thought-provoking.

A mother's constant companion

Yesterday I arrived home at 7:30 in the evening. Once upon a time, this would have been early. For the year before I had Adam, I worked long hours, and was regularly home in time to go straight to bed. Then, it didn’t really matter. My husband was often away or also working his own long hours, and we always had the weekends to be together. Now, though, it is a different story. Now I have a baby at home and even with the best nanny in the world, he needs me and I need him. Until yesterday, I was doing pretty well, leaving on the dot. And, in my defense, yesterday was an exception: my new boss was over from Switzerland, it was the month closing and my husband was already home. But that didn’t stop me from feeling bad... from feeling guilty. After all, I have chosen to work full-time, in a position that would, at times, require me to work some overtime. Most of the time, I can justify my choices and feel confident that I am still a good mother (perhaps even a better mother), even if I’m not home during the day.
Regardless, though, feelings of guilt still seep through. I have heard that guilt is a mother’s constant companion. For a working mother, we seem to be Siamese twins. There’s no doubt we have come a long way since our mother’s generation (where my mother was one of the few who worked). Most of my female friends work, and those that don’t, intend to return to the workforce sooner, rather than later. I was offered a promotion shortly after returning from maternity leave – meaning no one in my company seemed to be worried about my shifting priorities, or the high probability I would be taking another mat leave during the next few years. Still, though, many people (of all generations) look at me sympathetically when I say I am working full-time. There is less sympathy and more disbelief when I tell them it was my choice, as opposed to something forced on me by a less-than-understanding employer, or our own economic situation. But, that's not the hardest part. I can deal with external judgment. What is hardest is that little nagging voice inside my own head questioning whether or not I am being the best mother to my son by working full-time.

Baby by Plane

When traveling with a baby, most people are concerned about the plane ride. I certainly spent a lot of time thinking about and preparing the logistics of my flight to Vancouver when Adam was four months old. I paid extra to have only one stopover; I bought a lighter, cheaper stroller, that would be easier to maneuver and harder to damage. I googled traveling with a baby and took note of experienced parents’ tips. The trip was a breeze and Adam was a real little trooper throughout. How was I to know the most challenging part was yet to come? Four days later I was exhausted, close to tears and wondering how I would ever survive raising an international family. Adam was sleeping great: from 4pm to 1am. I suspected there was a secret underworld of parents giving their children “a little something” and was determined to join ranks. I called my pediatrician (hey, 1am in Vancouver is 10am in Barcelona!), but was told no medication. He was, however, surprised that Adam was having such difficulty. Babies normally recover from jet lag quickly, he told me, five to six days and they are perfectly adjusted. Hmmm… I had to bite my tongue. Your idea of quickly is certainly different from mine, buster! Still, I have to give credit where credit is due. On the fifth night, Adam fell asleep at 8:30pm and slept straight to 5:30am. The remainder of my vacation was fantastic – and in the end, well worth the initial days of sleeplessness. Just don’t ask me how the jet lag was returning….

Here’s a summary of the best tips, plus a few of my own.

For the plane:
- Some people recommend a window seat as it’s more private for nursing and quieter. Personally, I say go for an aisle seat. You can easily get up and walk around without having to bother the person next to you.
- Definitely reserve the bassinet for long haul flights. It’s free and makes a HUGE difference.
- Take advantage of stopovers to have a good meal, and bring plenty of snacks. If you are traveling alone, it isn’t always convenient to eat when they are serving food.
- Within my carryon, I had a separate bag for diaper changing (with one diaper, wipes, a change of clothes and a plastic bag for messes), and another for feeding. This meant I wasn’t routing around a big bag during potentially “urgent” situations and I could re-fill as necessary during quieter periods.

For the jet lag:
- If you don’t want to give your baby any “help” (and it isn’t recommended), be prepared that it could take him up to 5 days to adjust, and try to plan your trip accordingly.
- When traveling westward, work hard to keep your baby awake for as long as possible, delaying the time he finally goes to sleep each night.
- Traveling eastward is harder, because their body tells them to go to sleep later, rather than earlier. The key here is to not let him sleep until noon (or in my case, 3pm) and as soon as you can, take him out into the natural light.

Any experienced travelers out there? We're flying back this Christmas for ten days... and any suggestions or tips are more than welcome!! I suspect it will be a whole different story with a one year old.

Childcare...joy, challenge...the rhythm that is without rhythm!

Our childcare for Mayana is, well...us. We will go to Vancouver or Victoria to visit the Grandparents, and then we will get fabulous moments to do our emailing (or blogging!) and sometimes even a couple hours to do a yoga class, or go for a swim. But we live on Saltspring Island, and there, my partner, San, and I are the childcare for Mayana.
Truth be told, its a very organic lifestyle for us right now. I am on maternity leave for one year, and San was hit by a car 2 years ago, so in rehabilitation and not working. There is little routine to our days. Sometimes we go for a long walk. Sometimes we take Mayana swimming, and tag team for turns to have our own swim time. Sometimes I garden and San watches Mayana; other days he goes to a concert and I take her for the night.
This is wonderful, and yet, just as much a challenge.
I find myself asking the questions: "Should we have more rhythm to our days?"and "When do I get to catch up with ALL the things I want or need to get done?!"
I am someone who usually had more than one job on the go, and loved to go for runs, or at least 3 swims a week. I woke up at around the same time every day and had my schedule all written into my daybook each week. Suddenly I find myself waking up at different times each day (and during the night!), or starting to go for a run, only to have Mayana burst into tears, or have something burst out of her diaper(!), and that's the end of that. And I don't even know what day of the week it is these days!
Attachment Parenting is a term that has been getting more chapter space in baby-care books lately. Martha and Barry Sears, in the well-renowned baby "bible" The Baby Book, describe Attachment Parenting as a way of responding to a baby's needs based on THEIR rhythm. They recommend wearing your baby often, co-sleeping, being very alert and responding immediately to baby's needs, and allowing your schedule to be guided by baby's schedule. They suggest that what results is a "flow between mother and baby", where there is mutual sensitivity and trust. It can improve behaviour, development, intelligence and intimacy where the children are able to "focus on awareness, not just meeting needs" and are more inclined to "bond to people and not to things."
I think this makes a lot of sense, but there is an important piece to this puzzle. WE as the parents need to be willing to do this. We, as a team, have to commit to this attachment. Yes, a flow between mother and baby, but ALSO a flow between father and baby. Its not Attachment Mothering, its Attachment Parenting. After the third time of trying to garden while my baby sobbed in my partner's arms, it dawned on me that my baby needed some help in attaching to Papa. I knew deep down she would have a great time, because she laughs her head off when he makes funny faces at her in the mornings, but she was stuck. Papa didn't have "Boobie" as we call it, end of story. How do you laugh when you worry milk is not nearby? And nurturing takes practice. Most of us women have been coddling dolls, and then other people's babies since we could remember. How many men do you see snuggling a doll and saying "I can't wait until I have one of these"?! To be honest, I hope it becomes more that do in the future. But for now, I realize I have to take the time to mother two people...Mayana in her development into a child, and Papa in his development as a father. Help show him what cries mean what needs for Mayana. Spend some time close to her when he is with her, so she can relax knowing milk is nearby. Express my milk and give him a bottle. Yes, ironically, I have to stop being such a mother...he knows what to do. I need to practice nurturing their relationship. And we both need to practice a new rhythm; where this new blissful life guides and teaches us how to be evermore present, evermore loving, and ever so patient with those around us we love.
So from both of us, here is a perfect Sufi poem, by the ever eloquent Rumi:

You that come to birth

And bring the mysteries

Your voice-thunder makes us very happy

Roar, Lion of the Heart, and Tear me open