Finding the time...

Sometimes I wish I had a nanny! Unlike Deirdre, I am home often with my daughter, however the guilt still occurs for me. The guilt of always being behind somewhere- whether its calling my mom, being on time to meet with a friend, writing this blog!, or even playing with Mayana. Yes, even though we spend most days together, sometimes I am so busy with shopping for groceries, writing a belated email, or getting to the ferry on time, that Mayana has to patiently (and sometimes not-so-patiently!) just stick with me in the hullabaloo.

I have just moved to a new home. My partner and I have decided to live separately, although we are still together working on things. I don't think this is actually that strange...I know many couples find it hard in the first year of having a new baby. And in our case, we had only been together 3 months before getting pregnant, so we're still getting to know each other, and how we work! So space seems to be a positive thing for us to stay harmonious, and we both agree this is best for Mayana- to have parents who like each other!

So I have moved to a large home since I have agreed to be housemother to a 15 year old international student from Germany and my 17 year old cousin who wants to try school on Saltspring island. There is lots of strange music in the house, and I am learning how to make food for big eaters, but Mayana seems to love the young energy in the house, and I am excited at positive changes in everyone's lives.

Off I go as apparently I am behind to head into town, and Mayana stirs downstairs- ack!

Next installment, TRAVELLING IN EUROPE...that is my excuse for not writing this summer...we were too busy with East Indian weddings, Portuguese camping trips, and swimming in the Scottish seas...stories coming very soon!! When I get the time =)

A Worthy Read

I belong to a google group of English speaking parents living in Barcelona and during a fiesty exchange of e-mails regarding the daycare system here, someone sent this out:

http://www.unicef.ca/portal/Secure/Community/502/WCM/HELP/take_action/Advocacy/rc8.pdf

It's a very interesting read and is definitely thought-provoking.

A mother's constant companion

Yesterday I arrived home at 7:30 in the evening. Once upon a time, this would have been early. For the year before I had Adam, I worked long hours, and was regularly home in time to go straight to bed. Then, it didn’t really matter. My husband was often away or also working his own long hours, and we always had the weekends to be together. Now, though, it is a different story. Now I have a baby at home and even with the best nanny in the world, he needs me and I need him. Until yesterday, I was doing pretty well, leaving on the dot. And, in my defense, yesterday was an exception: my new boss was over from Switzerland, it was the month closing and my husband was already home. But that didn’t stop me from feeling bad... from feeling guilty. After all, I have chosen to work full-time, in a position that would, at times, require me to work some overtime. Most of the time, I can justify my choices and feel confident that I am still a good mother (perhaps even a better mother), even if I’m not home during the day.
Regardless, though, feelings of guilt still seep through. I have heard that guilt is a mother’s constant companion. For a working mother, we seem to be Siamese twins. There’s no doubt we have come a long way since our mother’s generation (where my mother was one of the few who worked). Most of my female friends work, and those that don’t, intend to return to the workforce sooner, rather than later. I was offered a promotion shortly after returning from maternity leave – meaning no one in my company seemed to be worried about my shifting priorities, or the high probability I would be taking another mat leave during the next few years. Still, though, many people (of all generations) look at me sympathetically when I say I am working full-time. There is less sympathy and more disbelief when I tell them it was my choice, as opposed to something forced on me by a less-than-understanding employer, or our own economic situation. But, that's not the hardest part. I can deal with external judgment. What is hardest is that little nagging voice inside my own head questioning whether or not I am being the best mother to my son by working full-time.

Baby by Plane

When traveling with a baby, most people are concerned about the plane ride. I certainly spent a lot of time thinking about and preparing the logistics of my flight to Vancouver when Adam was four months old. I paid extra to have only one stopover; I bought a lighter, cheaper stroller, that would be easier to maneuver and harder to damage. I googled traveling with a baby and took note of experienced parents’ tips. The trip was a breeze and Adam was a real little trooper throughout. How was I to know the most challenging part was yet to come? Four days later I was exhausted, close to tears and wondering how I would ever survive raising an international family. Adam was sleeping great: from 4pm to 1am. I suspected there was a secret underworld of parents giving their children “a little something” and was determined to join ranks. I called my pediatrician (hey, 1am in Vancouver is 10am in Barcelona!), but was told no medication. He was, however, surprised that Adam was having such difficulty. Babies normally recover from jet lag quickly, he told me, five to six days and they are perfectly adjusted. Hmmm… I had to bite my tongue. Your idea of quickly is certainly different from mine, buster! Still, I have to give credit where credit is due. On the fifth night, Adam fell asleep at 8:30pm and slept straight to 5:30am. The remainder of my vacation was fantastic – and in the end, well worth the initial days of sleeplessness. Just don’t ask me how the jet lag was returning….

Here’s a summary of the best tips, plus a few of my own.

For the plane:
- Some people recommend a window seat as it’s more private for nursing and quieter. Personally, I say go for an aisle seat. You can easily get up and walk around without having to bother the person next to you.
- Definitely reserve the bassinet for long haul flights. It’s free and makes a HUGE difference.
- Take advantage of stopovers to have a good meal, and bring plenty of snacks. If you are traveling alone, it isn’t always convenient to eat when they are serving food.
- Within my carryon, I had a separate bag for diaper changing (with one diaper, wipes, a change of clothes and a plastic bag for messes), and another for feeding. This meant I wasn’t routing around a big bag during potentially “urgent” situations and I could re-fill as necessary during quieter periods.

For the jet lag:
- If you don’t want to give your baby any “help” (and it isn’t recommended), be prepared that it could take him up to 5 days to adjust, and try to plan your trip accordingly.
- When traveling westward, work hard to keep your baby awake for as long as possible, delaying the time he finally goes to sleep each night.
- Traveling eastward is harder, because their body tells them to go to sleep later, rather than earlier. The key here is to not let him sleep until noon (or in my case, 3pm) and as soon as you can, take him out into the natural light.

Any experienced travelers out there? We're flying back this Christmas for ten days... and any suggestions or tips are more than welcome!! I suspect it will be a whole different story with a one year old.

Childcare...joy, challenge...the rhythm that is without rhythm!

Our childcare for Mayana is, well...us. We will go to Vancouver or Victoria to visit the Grandparents, and then we will get fabulous moments to do our emailing (or blogging!) and sometimes even a couple hours to do a yoga class, or go for a swim. But we live on Saltspring Island, and there, my partner, San, and I are the childcare for Mayana.
Truth be told, its a very organic lifestyle for us right now. I am on maternity leave for one year, and San was hit by a car 2 years ago, so in rehabilitation and not working. There is little routine to our days. Sometimes we go for a long walk. Sometimes we take Mayana swimming, and tag team for turns to have our own swim time. Sometimes I garden and San watches Mayana; other days he goes to a concert and I take her for the night.
This is wonderful, and yet, just as much a challenge.
I find myself asking the questions: "Should we have more rhythm to our days?"and "When do I get to catch up with ALL the things I want or need to get done?!"
I am someone who usually had more than one job on the go, and loved to go for runs, or at least 3 swims a week. I woke up at around the same time every day and had my schedule all written into my daybook each week. Suddenly I find myself waking up at different times each day (and during the night!), or starting to go for a run, only to have Mayana burst into tears, or have something burst out of her diaper(!), and that's the end of that. And I don't even know what day of the week it is these days!
Attachment Parenting is a term that has been getting more chapter space in baby-care books lately. Martha and Barry Sears, in the well-renowned baby "bible" The Baby Book, describe Attachment Parenting as a way of responding to a baby's needs based on THEIR rhythm. They recommend wearing your baby often, co-sleeping, being very alert and responding immediately to baby's needs, and allowing your schedule to be guided by baby's schedule. They suggest that what results is a "flow between mother and baby", where there is mutual sensitivity and trust. It can improve behaviour, development, intelligence and intimacy where the children are able to "focus on awareness, not just meeting needs" and are more inclined to "bond to people and not to things."
I think this makes a lot of sense, but there is an important piece to this puzzle. WE as the parents need to be willing to do this. We, as a team, have to commit to this attachment. Yes, a flow between mother and baby, but ALSO a flow between father and baby. Its not Attachment Mothering, its Attachment Parenting. After the third time of trying to garden while my baby sobbed in my partner's arms, it dawned on me that my baby needed some help in attaching to Papa. I knew deep down she would have a great time, because she laughs her head off when he makes funny faces at her in the mornings, but she was stuck. Papa didn't have "Boobie" as we call it, end of story. How do you laugh when you worry milk is not nearby? And nurturing takes practice. Most of us women have been coddling dolls, and then other people's babies since we could remember. How many men do you see snuggling a doll and saying "I can't wait until I have one of these"?! To be honest, I hope it becomes more that do in the future. But for now, I realize I have to take the time to mother two people...Mayana in her development into a child, and Papa in his development as a father. Help show him what cries mean what needs for Mayana. Spend some time close to her when he is with her, so she can relax knowing milk is nearby. Express my milk and give him a bottle. Yes, ironically, I have to stop being such a mother...he knows what to do. I need to practice nurturing their relationship. And we both need to practice a new rhythm; where this new blissful life guides and teaches us how to be evermore present, evermore loving, and ever so patient with those around us we love.
So from both of us, here is a perfect Sufi poem, by the ever eloquent Rumi:

You that come to birth

And bring the mysteries

Your voice-thunder makes us very happy

Roar, Lion of the Heart, and Tear me open

The challenge of childcare

Any working mother will tell you that childcare is a challenge. Leaving your baby in the care of someone else is never easy and for some there are limited choices. We criticize the system regularly but the reality is not too bad - especially compared with some other countries. Daycares will take babies from 4 months and are subsidized. A full-time private daycare rarely costs more than 300 Euros a month ($500), plus a little extra for food. Public daycare is half that, and often has better facilities, although the supply comes nowhere near covering the demand. School starts at age 3 and is from 9am-5pm. A full-time, live-out nanny, although expensive, is not prohibitive, and can be a viable option for many double income couples. Throw grandparents who live close by into the mix, and you have some decent childcare options that don’t eat up an entire paycheck.
We decided early on that we wanted to go the route of a full-time nanny, at least for the first year. My husband’s family lives an hour and a half away – close enough for sporadic, emergency help, but too far for our day to day needs. Six months seemed too young for a daycare, and I liked the idea of having someone take care of Adam from home. If this person was also willing to do some housework and cooking, we could maximize the hours we were home to enjoy our baby, and minimize stress. Decision made, we turned to the hiring process.
For about a month, I interviewed around 20 people. Some were recommendations of recommendations. Most came from different agencies. People told me to trust my instinct, but that’s easier said than done when you’re doing something for the first time. Some of the candidates called me ‘mam’, and my husband ‘sir’, making us feel quite uncomfortable. Others were shy and it was difficult to get a realistic impression.
Finally we chose one girl…. simply because we liked her. She hadn’t worked in a house before, her only experience with babies was with her niece, thirteen years before, but we liked her. She seemed like a happy person, honest and easy-going, so even though she didn’t check all of our requirements, we offered her the job. Today, Adam greets her with a smile and pays little attention to me as I head out the door, cheerfully playing and sitting in her lap. What more could a working mother ask for?

"If I can't dance, I don't want to be a part of your revolution..."

Unlike Deirdre, I'm not yet planning to balance career and motherhood. I have just been accepted into a Masters program that will start in 3 months time, and will, in fact, be held on Saltspring Island. But that will not be full time, and although much work, will be manageable while still being a stay-at-home Mama.
Right now though, I want to talk about balance too. I DO relate to Deirdre in seeking a balance- the balance between Amy-as-a-Mother, and Amy-as-Amy.
People comment on my daughter's strong legs, saying "She could be a dancer". I am proud as punch. Yet niggling thoughts arise...
One of the reasons I am going back to school is to address my own desire to fuel my artist that all-too-often got put aside for the sake of academia, or working in a "real" job. When the "dancer" comment is made, I find myself thinking, "I, too, want to dance".
Which is actually a terribly exciting thought, and terrifying in the same moment. By seeing the possibilities that are endless for my daughter, and wanting to help her believe that she can realize any and all of her dreams, I have reawakened my own dreams too.
And I am not willing to live vicariously through my daughter. "Oh, you should do this because I never got to"...rather, I want to inspire her in my own embracing of life's opportunities.
So uh, yeah, that means I actually have to DO it.
I did a Beginner's Ballet class just over a month ago. I walked into the class with my old ballet slippers and nervous trepidation. I put the slippers on , and promptly took them off as I realized my feet have grown since I was 16 years old! I felt frumpy, my butt only just squished into the tights I put on, and I was royally dizzy when we did our turns portion of the class. I left thinking "Well, at least the classical music was beautiful".
Yet, as I went for a walk the next day, I felt fabulous. New muscles had begun to twitch. "Do this again, and soon!" they seemed to say to my body.
However, Mayana got sick, and then the week after that I travelled with her, and then two weeks later, with certified Mummy-brain (it is a real illness!), I got the day wrong for the class.
I give myself credit. I'm a Mother now, and I'm proud that role comes first for me right now. But I'm catching myself humming classical songs these days, I surreptitiously point my toes while standing in lines, and I think I'm going to go shopping for some new ballet slippers...heck, gotta look a little more professional for the next class, right?!